I was just wondering what to do this weekend.
Now, I think I'll creosote my garden shed. Oh no, using creosote is illegal and the 'creosote police' might be round.
I know, I'll add a new electrical socket in my lounge. Oh no, doing your own wiring is now illegal and the 'electrical police' might be round.
Ah, I'll get a long ladder out and clean out my gutters. Oh no, using long ladders is dangerous and the 'health & safety police' might be round.
I know, I'll water my lawns. Oh no, the 'hosepipe police' could be round.
So I'll go into my workshop and angle-grind the wing off my classic car for half an hour. Oh no, the 'noise pollution police' will come round.
Could I, perhaps, take some of the pile of plasterboard from some building work to the local tip? Oh no, plasterboard is banned at the tip and the 'rubbish-checking police' might be there.
What I'll do, then, is to fit a new gas fire unit into my dining room fireplace. Oh no, I need a Corgi registered plumber to do that or the 'gas police' might come round.
Perhaps I could get a piece of yellow reflective stick-on plastic and some black stick-on letters and make up a new number plate for my little trailer. On no, number plates must be bought from approved suppliers after production of lots of paperwork or the 'number plate police' might find out.
What I could do is to go into our town centre on Saturday, drink solidly from 6 p.m. until midnight, come out of the pub, be sick in the gutter, shout at passers-by, insult and threaten anyone who might be around, spit, swear, barge older people off the footpath, break some car or shop windows and behave like a complete yobbo.
No chance of any sort of police interfering there.
The GOS says: Peter Valentine posted this in the Grumpy Guest Book, but we thought it was so well expressed and rung so many bells that it deserved a more prominent place. Thanks, Peter. If only you'd managed to squeeze in Global Warming …
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